So, it has been awhile since I have been here to update, so I thought I better get to it.

Wednesday my mother had her chemo appointment but my auntie had to take her as it was early in the morning and I have to get my kiddos off to school.  I get out there about 10 AM and a then around 10:30 they  pull up in the car.  Now I am thinking to myself, why when I take her it takes at least three hours to be there...20 minutes for bloodwork first, then another 20 waiting ot see the doc then wait for an hour and finally 45 minutes for the chemo.  Well, I got horrible news.  The doc has stopped chemo...it isn't working anymore her tumor markers and billirubin have tripled since last week.  Oh shit, I know what happens next.  It wil take over fast and there will be no more time with her.  Pancreatic cancer is a VERY agressive cancer.  I know this as we all just went through this with my father-in-law a couple of years ago.  So, the doctor recommended hospice right away.  We had the initial meeting on Thursday and I lost it.  My mom was saying how she didn't want my sister and I to have to be so exhausted and I lost it.  I have thought about checking into a hospitol just to get a break.  It is so hard on me.  I don't think I have any online friends anymore and none here to talk with.  I just hate to bother people with my crap and don't need then feeling pity for me, which is how I feel some days. Not only do I have to be there with my mother all day but I have to care for my 3 year old nephew as well.  So I do that all day and then have to go home and try and function enough for my own family.  It is just so much and my sister just thinks she knows it all and says some crappy things to make me feel like shit.  What can I do?  Nothing, she is a bitch and always will be. 

The pastor from the church my mom used to work at came out today and we talked and I think I need to talk more with her so next week I am planning on going to her office and have a chat, just to get it out.  One nice thing is that when my mother gets on hospice, they offer free therapy for family members and I am going to take full advantage of that. 

My auntie came down yesterday to be at the meeting with us and it was great, I needed someone 'grown-up' there with me.  I still feel like a lost  little girl.  Having had my father pass away when I was nine and now my mother, it hurts so much.  My sisters don't even remember my father at all.  They were like 1 and 2.

Back to my auntie, she also helped me with my quilt and so now all I have left is tying it and binding it.  YAY.  I started another quilt just till I have my auntie down again.  It is so pretty.  It is a purple one...for my cousin who likes purple.  So that is going rather well.

I guess I have spilled enough for today, my eyes are tearing again and my migraine is sneaking its' way back so I best go...

J.